again…

Today, with the sun’s blistering rays intensely scorching some of my favorite outdoor spaces in the heat of summer, this is my place of joy. Sipping coffee while these two creatures bliss out, safely snuggled up on our bed. Of course, that handsome human who I married would be welcome and appreciated here too, but he’s fortunate enough to have a job. A career that he’s enjoyed and grown in for over three decades. I have not had that luxury. 

Don’t get me wrong. I loved being the primary parent and following my husband’s jobs around the world and across the States. The experiences were amazing and my history feels rich and luscious. My current situation is invaluable. I feel that. The lack of professional and rigid definition confining my future, but it’s awkward here in my mid-50s, loosely defined by my beliefs, passions, and awareness, super well trained and confident in a variety of topics and I’m jobless.

It’s rough to have altered my trajectory, so many times and be so comfortable with change, yet now have a wistful craving for stability that’s beyond my reach. I’ve always thrived in chaos and upheaval. Sometimes after protesting it, but usually by default. In this Third Act of life, my newly acquired perspective adjustment is that my center thrives in an ocean of calm and clarity, yet our personal life still feels precariously balanced. Not as much as in prior years, but not completely steadfast. I think that’s where my magic lies, as an in-betweener and fringe dweller…. Aware of the chaos, understanding it, observing it, but opting to keep my toes out of those waters. 

I’ve yearning to create a sustainable professional existence to carry me through the next 5 – 10 years: financially, mentally and emotionally, but today I’m feeling a state upheaval. I’m allowing ample grace for myself, but the tears and frustrations arrived. Today is my first day jobless. Again. I walked away from a workplace after three months. Again. I suffocated toxicity with positivity as best I could for the betterment of all involved. Again. I had to save myself, as life is too short to be immersed in negative vibes. I’m taking a pause, of sorts. Again. I have a year in which to return, which is interesting. I don’t know if I will. I wonder if the expectations I shared with management, will fall on deaf ears. They talked a good talk. I am confident that my personality and skill set is invaluable to them, and they asked me to stay on in a different department or capacity while the storm quelled. But said storm existed before I arrived. It’s of their making, or rather they allowed its development. When I arrived, I planted calming seeds of kindness and positivity and saw beauty bloom, but varying rounds of storm clouds and intense winds are chipping away at what I planted. They need to act fast before the drought of my absence kills off the sprouting potential I left behind. Either way, it was time for me to move on. Again.

The last day was hard. I told a handful of the 150+ people who I worked with that it was my last day. I offered hope to counter their reactions, saying it is a “seasonal pause”, but I can’t imagine a cultural shift big enough to encourage my return. A few people held my gaze intensely and said their version of “You need to know that you made such a big difference while you were here.” Their words were so powerful to hear. I felt them so deeply. Enough to cause me to question my choice, but only momentarily. I beamed in the moments, knowing that those words were exactly why I took the job in the first place: to create a small positive ripple that would reverberate far and wide. I wanted to aggressively affect positive change, so I immersed myself in a customer service role that allowed for rapid fire positive contributions to the universe. I wanted to be an agent of change, and I did it. And then I ran away, to save myself.

Now, I am in this messy but beautiful place of ponderment. A word I made up. It’s like “wonderment”, but while pondering. It’s amazing to be able to pause like this. Again. One of the benefits of being a career chameleon over the decades. There have been many benefits. I don’t wish that anything was different. I have no regrets. Yet here I am, with a little sorrow day mixed in with hope and creativity, while I pause. And pivot. Again.